Something More

Have you ever woken up and just thought there has to be more to this life that I live? Well thats something I am fighting alot lately. I am a very emotionally driven person and that can sometimes get me into trouble if there is not something bigger that runs my emotions. See the problem is your heart and your emotions lie. They are of the flesh not of God and that is something that I have learned a very hard way. I always use to think how can I be doing wrong if I am just following my heart and what I feel, well lets get serious. A two year old throws a tantrum if you don't give him a cookie after dinner or the toy he wants for Christmas and all he is doing is following his "heart" aka his wants and what he feels is his needs. See I have been so selfish over the years thinking to myself why can't I have this or that thinking if I could just have it I would be happy. When really in reality it will just fade with the rest and I will want something new in about a week. The void is never really filled by things of the world. And they actually leave you a little more empty than you were before. It's a scary cycle and what's even more scary is that it is easier to continue on in that cycle than it is to step out of it and walk away.

Everyone was built with the natural desire to crave something big. Something that is not easily described or understood. The problem with this world is that there are so many "things" that you can fill that void with for a time. And when that one fades you fill it with another but you will never feel really complete. There is still something not right. For those of you who know me I am a person who is very moved by music. Well i was listening to a song by Jeremy Camp called Let it Fade. It talks about letting this world fade... see beyond it. Here are a few of the lyrics...

Have you been walking on a surface thats uncertain
Have you helped yourself to everything thats empty
you can't live this way to long
There's more than this
Have you been standing on your own feet to long
have you been looking for a place where you belong
You can rest you will find rest
Let this old life crumble.. Let this new life prosper in your saving grace

It really makes you think. A lot of people are scared to admit that they are uncertain about there life or that they are just seeking more. It's real... it's natural. I want something so much more than I have. Something that is beyond what this world can give me. The hardest part is taking that first unknown step. That first step that scares the hell out of everyone cause you have no idea where you will end up. But you know what... I say if you knew where you were gonna end up why would you need God. And I have found in my past that if you do take that step into faith and just allow him to guide you the outcome is nothing short of a miracle. My favorite line my dad has said to me is He can't do it without you and you can't do it without him. Meaning he is standing right there with his hand out waiting for me to just take his hand cause he knows I won't make that jump alone and I know I can't make that jump without Him.

Me Time

Have you ever just gotten to the point where you are ready for some serious "me time". For the last million years of my life I have never fully allowed myself to be alone. It's a scary thing being alone you know. But what's even more scary is wasting time. Wasting time with people and things that you don't really want to be spending time on. Things that you know you are just keeping around because it's better than having nothing but what's funny is that sometimes the best things in life will not come your way until you have trusted the Lord to supply you with what you need during those alone times. I have been fighting this for a long time but I think I am ready for some SERIOUS "me time".

Music

As most of you know I was suppose to head out to the Poconos last week for the summer and have decided not to go. I stayed to prepare for my move to Norway. I feel that God has really done this for many reasons. First one being He has made it possible to strengthen my relationships with people I really care about. He is giving me time to really enjoy a few months of family and friends. I want to thank him for that because it has been a tremendous blessing. Another reason I believe God has given me these few months here is to really prepare physically, financially and mentally for heading back into missions. Being that it's only about 6 weeks until I take off nobody wants to hire me for such a short time so I have quite a bit of quiet time to myself in my house and I would love to share with you what I have gone through in the last 48 hours.

If you know me well you know that music and dancing is a huge part of my life. For many years I have listened to, and what I thought loved, rap and R&B music. I am a firm believer that what you listen to you live. I loved that music because I loved to dance to it. I would always say that it was just the beats that I loved and I didn't really listen to the words. Well I will be the first to admit, that's impossible to do. I definitely lived that culture and it tore me to pieces. (you can read all about it in my early posts) Since then I have come a very long way and have changed in big ways however, one thing I never gave up was my music. Something inside me just didn't want to say goodbye to it and this is where the last 48 hours comes in. About a day ago I realized that for years I hid behind dancing and a fake self confidence so people would like me and see me as that wild fun as hell girl so it's almost as if this music was a security blanket for me. The crazy thing is those were the most painful years of my life and keeping that music was just holding me back from growing and learning that my real identity is in Christ. So needless to say I got rid of ALL of that music. Most of it being rap & R&B. That music does not better me in any way as a person and all it did was make me feel like I was not sexy enough or rich enough....etc. Well those are lies! And I know longer want to be looked at just for my looks and that's what that music condones. I can't tell you the weight that was lifted off my shoulders when I did this . It feels good. It's going to be hard to steer clear of it but I have a family and amazing friends who are willing to back me up the whole way. You know the craziest part of it all... I don't miss it at all. And I now have one less thing blocking my view of Christ and i'm one step closer to him.... which is priceless.

Have You Forgotten

(thats my brother!)

You know I normally try to stay out of the big "political" conversations 1. because they are really touchy and 2. cause I am not that smart when it comes to that stuff but this in one subject I can't keep my opinion to myself. Over the last few years I have come into contact with many people who have absolutely torn the republicans apart and had nothing good to say about George Bush or the war. In fact not only do they hate him for agreeing to go to war but they also blame him for why it's going on all together! Well I am completely blown away with all of the stupid arguing back and forth about if it is right or wrong that we are at war. God has placed George Bush in a position of power for a reason and whether or not we agree with everything he is doing he is our president and it is so important for our country to stick together. Our troops have made the decision to fight for our country and that's a very honorable decision and they deserve the utmost respect. My brother has also entered the service and that was not something he was forced to do that was something he felt led by God to do along with many of his fellow soldiers. He is fighting for this country's freedom and our safety and while he is over in Afghanistan right now our country is sitting around here complaining about who's right and what we should do about it. If this country spent half the time praying for this war and our men and women fighting over there at least we would be doing something positive and that will make a difference. I am not going to say whether or not I support this war... but what I do support is God and He is the one who is running all this NOT George Bush. And if this is where we are right now I am in full support and I absolutely cannot express my gratitude enough for the men and woman who are laying down there lives so that we can have a safe place to sleep at night.
The reason I am bringing all this up is because I came across this song by Darryl Worley called "Have you Forgotten". I was listening to the words and it really hit me.... I love my country and I will do anything I can to support it. We have to quickly forgotten what it is we are fighting for. I will post a few of the lyrics below so you can read them... but watch the video!

I hear people saying we don't need this war
I say there's some things worth fighting for
What about our freedom and this piece of ground
We didn't get to keep 'em by backing down
They say we don't realize the mess we're getting in
Before you start your preaching let me ask you this my friend

Have you forgotten how it felt that day? To see your homeland under fire And her people blown away Have you forgotten when those towers fell? We had neighbors still inside going thru a living hell And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout bin Laden Have you forgotten?

I've been there with the soldiers Who've gone away to war
And you can bet that they remember Just what they're fighting for

Have you forgotten all the people killed?
Some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field
Have you forgotten about our Pentagon? All the loved ones that we lost and those left to carry on Don't you tell me not to worry about bin Laden Have you forgotten?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_-x9kMPauc
that's the music video for it!

Love You Matt!!!!!

Friends

(we are missing Maggie and Cole in this one!)

OK so it has been a few weeks since i have written a new post but a lot has happened in that time. First off I am only a week away from leaving for camp. Yes i am excited but I am so sad at the same time. I have had the most amazing two weeks with my best friends and i am so sad to leave them. I just feel like I don't have enough time to be with them before I move overseas. I have been so blessed to have them in my life and i am just now realizing how irreplaceable they are. My life has been about moving and change ever since I can remember and as lucky and appreciative as I am for the experiences I (every now and then) wish I could just be still for a while and enjoy what God has given to me. Fresh starts have pros and cons and one of the cons is loneliness. I battle it every time I move and start over and it is a huge fear of mine right now. I have taken advantage of relationships in the past and I am finally at a place in my life where I know how amazing the one's in my life are. I love that we will be able to pick up right where we left off no matter how much time passes and if I need a friend they will always be there. It is so hard to find REAL love and friendship in this world but I have been lucky enough to find it in four amazing girls!!! xoxoxo

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

"A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope."

Another Door Opened

Hi everyone!

Well I am very excited to tell you all the great news. I have recieved my position from YWAM Skien and it turns out I will be on the DTS (discipleship training school) staff. This is exactly what I wanted and I am overtaken with excitement. This is a little bit of my "job description" .......

There are 10 DTS staff and 3 DTS leaders along with about 20-25 students. The staff is responsible for leading small groups and mentor talks. We are to read and comment the journals and memory verses as well as check book reports and work duties. We will also be part of the outreach work with the community. The DTS runs for 9 months and during that time we do a lot of work in Europe. (So I get to travel heaps!!) In addition I will also be leading an outreach team for 2 months to another continent (Either Asia, Africa or South America). On top of the normal DTS schedule I also will have leadership training included. This will be a lot of work and I will be challenged in many ways but knowing that the Lord is calling me there has given me a sense of peace as well as excitement!

I wanted to share one last thing with you.... when my friend Soren was telling me I have been accepted as a DTS leader he wanted to let me know about a vision he had. About 2 weeks before I contacted him about the possibility of coming back into YWAM Soren had a vision that they were going to have one more DTS leader from the united states and it was going to be a female from the east side. He never told me that until just now. He was praying this morning with some other leaders about where I should be on the base and they felt like I was being called to the DTS staff. So needless to say God is unraveling a plan! Yayyyyyy! I am finally starting to feel like my life has a path......

Campfire Fun

( mmmmm marshmallows.. don't mind the smokey blurr)

This is what I believe is the best part of summer! There is just something about a bonfire that sets a great summer mood. Maybe it's the warm fire while the wood crackles or it's the roasting marshmallows while drinking a cold beer but whatever it is the memories are priceless. Oh and you can't forget the smell of the smoke on your hoodie the next morning; i love it! This past weekend a few of my friends and I had a little party and got to roast some marshmallows!!! We had an absolute blast talking and eating all night long.

Who Says You Have To Grow Up!!!

I have some very exciting news. I have just recently accepted a counselor position at Camp Canadensis for 2 months this summer. I have been a counselor in the past but never for something like this. There are about 420 kids and around 220 counselors. The counselors come from all over the world (ex.. Jamaica, Australia, London....) and are all about my age! I am working with the youngest of the bunch and they are 7-10 years old. So this will probably be there first camp experience and I am so excited that i get to share in that. A quick overview of the things we do at camp is horseback riding, water skiing, jet skiing, lacrosse, soccer and pretty much every other sport, arts and craft you can think of. We also take trips to amusement parks and so on. I am so excited about this I can barely contain myself... however lets be honest I am going to get NO sleep for 2 months hahaha but oh well.

I have to say I am so blessed with this opportunity. I really feel like this is an answer to prayer. This will be a great stepping stone into YWAM this fall and not to mention another amazing experience! Yahoooo!

Oh and did I mention it's in the Pocono's??!! Holla!!!!!!!

Spoken For

Over this past weekend a friend of mine asked me what the silver ring meant on my hand. I explained to him it was a promise ring and on the inside of it was the phrase "Spoken For". Now alot of people automatically assume I am "promised" to a guy which is not the case... The phrase came from a song by Mercy Me called "Spoken For". About 2 years ago I was going through a crossroads in my life. (A very painful one). I had been dating a guy who in no way deserved me but for some reason I was trapped. I felt as though I couldn't get out and he took advantage of me in every way possible. Well one morning I was driving to work listening to the christian radio and this song came on. Here are some of the lyrics....

Take this world from me; I don't need it anymore

I am finally free; My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise you; Oh and I worship you

Covered by your love divine; child of the risen Lord

To hear you say this one's mine; My heart is spoken for

By the power of the cross you've taken what was lost and made it fully yours

I have been redeemed by you who spoke to me; Now I am spoken for.

"To hear you say this one's mine"... wow. Those are strong words. And those are the ones that stuck out to me the most because for some reason it was hard for me to believe someone would want me. After the years of abuse and mistreatment I thought it was because I was not good enough. I allowed myself to believe a lie. A big one. Finding out that someone would die for me (and had died for me) and would do anything for me was huge. Of course the tears filled my eyes and the picture of me in all white came into my mind. (no not a wedding dress) I believed the white symbolized pure. This is how the Lord saw me. After all my mistakes he wanted to make me pure again...... I felt like the Lord was talking directly to me. Like he was saying "Cate you are already spoken for". I had been giving everything to a guy hoping for love in return. Hoping to be spoken for. I believed that with out having a man love me I wasn't anything. (and the crazy part is I have an amazing father with 3 amazing brothers who all love me unconditionally. What the "H" was my problem) So that became my motive for living... that's what I craved... to be wanted and adored. The funny thing is that I was already wanted and adored by God. I was just looking in the wrong places. And for years He has been standing there with his hand out patiently waiting for me to just take it. Imagine your deepest longing, what you yearn for and would give anything for. Well that's how the Lord feels for us. He is so in love with us and wants us to love him more than anything.

Anyway, to make a long story short I went and bought a ring and had engraved on the inside "spoken for" because I wanted to remind myself that if a man wants my heart he has to go through God first because he has already spoken for me. That gave me a sense of peace and belonging in this crazy world. It meant I could stop worrying and start living knowing that I am already unconditionally loved. For to many years i have believed the lie that I am not good enough or I'm not pretty enough etc.... When in actuality the truth is the one who has already spoken for me is just very picky about who he is going to give me away to. And he has someone special in mind and until then I have a truly amazing life to live with alot of amazing family and friends who already love and adore me.

Because I Can

Hmmm Do you ever just want to take pictures of yourself and play around with them? Well yesterday I had to much time on my hands as you can see. It was a gorgeous day so I was sitting on the porch listening to music and playing with my camera phone. A lot of people would make fun of me for this but seriously it is kinda fun. You should try it!!!

A House Is Not A Home Without A Dog

My dog's not spoiled ... I'm just well trained!

So this is my love Romeo.

He is a shih tzu and is by far one of the cutest dogs in the world! Let me explain why I think having a dog is so great. First off they are loyal and loving. Meaning no matter how old you get or how long your gone you can always count on a certain tail wagging when you walk through that front door. Second, who else will follow you from room to room for no particular reason just to be by your side. And lastly, they are just plain out entertainment. I think Romeo sat underneath a tree for about an hour completely still just starring at a squirrel in the eye's. Man I wish I new what was going through his mind.

One Step Closer

These days I am getting very excited about my move. I am starting to see past the fears and keeping my eyes on God. I believe that is a huge part of being able to walk with the Lord. It actually takes me back to the story about Peter walking on water. Here are a few verses that set the scene for you...

But when they saw him walking on the sea, they thought it was a ghost and cried out; for they all saw him and were terrified.But immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid." Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus.But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!" Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

That's a great story! When Peter went to step out onto the water and took his first steps he was looking at Jesus.... trusting him and not letting whatever was going on around him (or his thoughts) discourage him. However then he realized the huge waves, the fact that he was walking on water and he started to look around. He took his eye's off Jesus and that's when fear and doubt took over.... he started to sink.... I love this because even though it's hard to believe the story there is a really great lesson that can be applied to your life right now. If you stay focused... trust God... "keep your eye on the prize" so to speak your journey will be more enjoyable and clear. At the same time if you let the fears and doubts of the world blind side you then it is going to be a rocky road to travel. I really believe this to be true. To often I am so concerned about whats going on around me, the meaningless gossip, the riches of the world and so on that I forget where I'm going and why I'm here. That is a scary place to be... that's when the enemy knows I am most vulnerable. I finally understand why my father has always wanted good strong Christians in my life... to encourage me to stay focused and to help "shield" me from distractions. I never thought that having christian friends was so important... and I never thought dating christian guys was critical as well but through the years of bad friends and relationships I now know how true and important it is.

I can't go with out telling you about an email my sister in law (Abi) sent me this morning.... She wrote to me about a girl on the Oprah show.... She was talking about her struggle with relationships and her bad experiences with dating and life in general. She partied a lot, was in an abusive relationship and felt like she could never find "Mr. right" Through her experiences she found this to be true, she said "For so many years i didn't even find nice guys attractive... I only went for bar room brawlers and alcoholics. After changing my lifestyle and focusing more on changing what was inside me, i realized that I wasn't attracted to kind, joyful men because I had no kindness or joy inside of me! As humans, we naturally gravitate toward people who mirror whats inside of us. We hate dating mean men... but if anger is what we hold inside, then that is what we subconsciously find attractive. Once you can find joy and happiness... TRUE happiness and fulfillment... you will start to find those character traits attractive in men." ........ I read this and was amazed. I thought to myself "All this time I played the victim when really I am probably just like them in some ways." I have been complaining about guys always hurting me and friends always letting me down but the weird thing is I am the one choosing to have those people in my life... the very people I hate I date (haha didn't mean to rhyme). Now don't get me wrong the guys that have hurt me and the friends that have back stabbed me are wrong for what they did... but the deeper issue is why did I allow them into my life and have such a hold on my heart in the first place? The problem lies so much deeper.... and that is where only God and I can go. Nobody else. I have to go back to where I came from... my roots.. Just me and God. That's when the healing begins and happiness takes over. Don't let the strong winds and huge waves steal that trust.... keep your eye's on Christ and he will hold your hand and walk you through everything one step at a time.

hmmm those were 2 totally different subjects and somehow i managed to mash them together hahaha. Oh well you get the picture.

Dancing In The Rain

This is one of my favorite quotes...

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain. ::Author Unknown::

I love it because being spontaneous is my life. When I was in Australia there was this one evening where it literally pored rain... and I mean like monsoon type rain! Well a few of my friends and I decided we should run down to the beach and dance around and even go swimming in the ocean (probably not the smartest idea ... a little tip: just always make sure your not the furthest out... that way the sharks won't get you first haha). It was the most fun in the whole world!! We got absolutely drenched and just let our spontaneity take control it was so freeing. I would absolutely suggest anyone in a bad mood try this. You will instantly feel like a kid again and forget everything that is wrong! Not to mention it makes great pictures!! I have a few from that night and I will upload them soon so stay posted!!!!

Summer Nights

Let me set the scene for you...
A warm evening with the stars all out and the most beautiful cool summer breeze. My family sitting around in our Adirondack chairs with a few candles lit and Pinot Grigio glistening in the candlelight through our tall wine glasses.The conversation is full of laughter and joy. Bella (1 of our 3 dogs) begging for the tennis ball to be thrown while my mother yells at Ceilidh for barking at any moving object (sometimes nothing moving at all) and Romeo(my dog) refusing to stop licking Bella's ear because he is so pathetically in love with her. This does not even begin to describe my memories of summer nights with my family. There is just something about the combination of a cool glass of wine and the warm gentle breeze that is so comforting.Maybe even magical (or maybe that's just the wine speaking)
It is May now and I am so excited for summer. To enjoy my friends and family's company and make even more memories that will last a lifetime.

Big Changes

OK so I have tried to create a blog in the past however that did not work out so well because I am notorious for starting things and not finishing them. But I have decided to give it another shot for a couple reasons. One of them being that I am moving to Norway in the fall and I want my friends and family to be able to read about what is going on and the other reason is to just have a place where I can be as creative as I want. So since this is my first post it is going to be rather vague and random...


As you have just read I have made the decision to go over seas to work with a group known as YWAM. A couple years ago I did a DTS (discipleship training school) in Australia with them and it was by far one of the most challenging as well as rewarding experiences in my life. My faith in the Lord soared and the experiences were priceless. I honestly believe there is no other place you feel and see the Lord's presence more than when you are in missions and out of your comfort zone.


So for the past few years I have jumped from job to job and city to city trying to find my place in this world but nothing seemed to fit. The heartache and pain of relationships has scarred me deeply and the struggle of finding my independence has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. So about 2 months ago I called my father and had a honest conversation about my life and we came to the conclusion that things needed to change drastically or I was headed for "rock bottom". (and knowing what rock bottom already felt like I knew I did not want to end up there again.) So I have made some changes (big ones) and have decided to not walk back towards God but run! I felt a tug on my heart and I know he wants me back in missions so I am going. It is a two year commitment and it is going to be really hard but I know God will hold my hand and guide me through it one day at a time!!


I have one very big fear about all this. I have been living a very big party lifestyle for some time now. My relationships have been built off of lies, alcohol and infatuations. Nothing solid and real was ever present in those so I have had a real struggle finding and keeping good people in my life. Because of all that I have become bitter, tough and harsh. I don't trust easily and most of the time I don't trust at all. Then again who can blame me when I have had nothing worth trusting in my life anyway. So here is my fear.... I am going back to a community of real love and commitment. I will again be surrounded by people who really care about whats important in this life and who will be a support system of truth and love! This should be exciting to me (and it is in a way) but my fear is that I am going to crave my old lifestyle (ughhhh). It's all I have known for years and it has this crappy hold on me. I am also afraid of possibly messing this up too. Whenever something or someone good enters my life I have this way of screwing it up. The only reason I am going to do this anyway is because I know that this is just the enemy throwing lies in my way to try and cause me to stumble so I am going to do my best at pushing through. God never puts something in front of us that we can not handle with his help. He will always supply you with a way out. It may not be the easy way but it is a way.... I just pray that God will break that hold so I can be free of it and enjoy the experiences he is going to give me. I see big possibilities for me and I am excited for the chance to achieve them. Wooohooo :)